[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
buys donuts instead
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.