Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community