mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You Might Also Like
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet