My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Can’t, holding a grudge
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me if I was a dog
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen