Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?