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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍