Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
need him
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks