I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Day 2 of my diet
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers