An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You Might Also Like
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT