no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.