Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
You Might Also Like
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI