Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Guys, I found it.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.