[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit