You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
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Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]