[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
congratulations to them
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food