Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.