what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.