Yes, but it was never about money
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My Guy
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice