I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
❤️❤️❤️
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?