Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*checks Timeline*…
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?