[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.