The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
You Might Also Like
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Alexa: *deep breath*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi