I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m listening
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.