Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.