AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.