My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes