I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
You Might Also Like
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.