“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}