It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic