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Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram