I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.