Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.