The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.