[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
it is time once again
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.