When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
road rage
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[screaming into the void]
MARCO