[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”