Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up