HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
You Might Also Like
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Grandmother clock.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.