“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit