A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.