I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH