Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The photographer’s assistant
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
oh u like geography? name every lake
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.