“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
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My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*