*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing