My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱