When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?