celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
You Might Also Like
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
first you must answer his riddles
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.