My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say