*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Cause of death: Zumba
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.