I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Lmbo
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!